Denial keeps you stuck in a rut.
We are all guilty of kiving in denial, telling little white lies in order to convince others we are in control of our lives or to get things we think we need, regardless of the consequences. Telling any lie gives our subconscious a problem, tell lies often enough and we begin to believe our own bullshit.
Our big problems come when we start telling lies to ourselves in order to make us look more exciting or successful without actually doing some work. For instance when we meet someone who we don’t know, someone new, we tend to want to impress and make a good impression, especially when it comes to attracting the opposite sex so we go straight to our predesigned template of the person we are in our mind, the witty, confident, bubbly extrovert not the overbearing, needy introvert who needs three glasses of wine to enter a room.
The reality; no point in telling someone you fancy, you love to go deep sea diving because it is his passion, (I've done it myself) when in truth you cannot swim and hate getting your hair wet, sooner or later you will be exposed and humiliated when he books a scuba diving holiday for you both.
Pretending to be something you are not, in order to get what you want in the moment will leave you lonely and unhappy but more importantlya stranger to yourself. We are what we are and our truth is all we have, so it makes sense if you want to be truly happy to never lie, especially to yourself.
"The most confident people know and accept their weaknesses, the final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure critisism without resentment" Elbert Hubbard quotes.
And this comes from knowing your weakness well and therefore acknowledging, not reacting or being offended when someone points it out whatever their motive. When you can accept yourself and show your core, you will know. I like the analogy of choosing your position on an imaginary wheel. Stay on the outside of the wheel in denial and as it turns the ride is bumpy, up and down, all over the place. Once you move to the inside of the wheel, the wheel continues to turn but you stay firmly centred with the truth.
How many times have you heard a very fat person say “I don’t understand why I am so big, I hardly eat anything” or “ I am rather unlucky really, being fat runs in the family. It's genetic.”
This is called denial and that is not a river in Egypt. When something is so obvious to all around except the person projecting blame for a less than ideal situation on someone or something else.
We all know someone whose problem is all their own fault but they just can't see it or refuse to admit it.
Think about that "Elephant in the room" the bad situation everyone knows but no one wants to mention. Then put yourself in the person's shoes.
Would you rather have someone to tell you the truth or leave you stuck in denial?
There is one reason this situation happens, fear. Fear of upsetting the person in denial, fear of their reaction if you were brave enough to tell them the truth. Fear of being exposed for having said nothing before.
Creating a second made up life where you are able to be the fantastic, fabulous, perfect person you dream about is not sustainable. It might give you an instant result in the moment but eventually you will always end up back at square one with the life you are stuck with and not the life you want.
The truth is universal and always comes out in the end. It may not always be pretty or impressive but at least you can be sure if you are brave and tell someone something that is honest, open and truthful from a good place and you still get the positive outcome you desire, happiness will automatically follow.
If not, better to be alone than wish you were alone.
Keeping a journal is the best way to spot your own idiosyncracies, untruths and denial. Saying less and thinking more at the beginning of your self therapy journey is the way to catch yourself when you lie. Start breaking down in your meditation how you describe yourself. Anything that is a blatant lie face it and replace it with a truth you are proud of. Make a list of all the massive lies you have told in your life then face your own truth head on. Cringing and feeling bad is part of the process of change. Nothing solid and permanent can ever be built on a lie and lies cause other people to do things they wouldn't otherwise do had they known the truth. By taking some personal responsibility for the devastation your lying may have caused others will not feel good in the moment but will be cathartic in the long term as well as make you think twice before you ever do it again.
If your truth is you are lazy, not in control of your choices, you expect results without doing any work and believe life owes you living, it is common sense you will end up a miserable liar. Very few people have the guts to own their terrible choices, so if you manage to face yours you are already ahead of most other adults.
We are all in control of our own destiny and what we put out to others we get back in return, so chances are if you lie to get what you want, what you get back will also be a lie. The secret to getting what you want is to still want it after you have got it which takes more work I am afraid.
It takes great courage to admit you are not brave enough to face your own truth and courage comes from not caring about what others think. The Winston Churchill quote famously says, "Courage is a decision"
Just the simple act of deciding to be brave and taking it on the chin will empower you. Humility makes you feel good and connects you to others and nature. By telling the truth, i.e. I am fat because I eat too much or I am a drunk because I drink too much, is the first step to making massive changes in the way you think about yourself.
Once you say it, admit it and face it, you cannot in truth then deny it any longer. The strength to change comes from the good feelings generated by your brave action. The key is taking back control of your truth in order to make better personal choices. And once you own your truth you can then have a sense of humour about it making you very attractive to other people.
If you want to live a long healthy happy life, never at the doctors, you have to want it more than you want an instant fix. Over indulgence in anything can become a fatal addiction, be it smoking, drinking, sex, shopping, eating, getting high, all things we have been programmed to believe are the secret to making us happy, when in fact we are ashamed, so much so, we lie about it.
Don’t give up on yourself, give up your bad habit of lying to yourself instead.
Photo by: Nikolay Smirnov Unsplash